********WARNING LONG POSSIBLY TRIGGERING POST******
Someone asked me the other day about my dad. They were curious about him and I got to thinking that maybe I should talk about him a little. Maybe it will help me to understand him if I go back a little and think about it.
Keep in mind that much of what I am going to say was told to me by others as my memory is foggy and Dad and I didnít talk much.
As it was told to me my dads family came from Oklahoma back in the Grapes of Wrath days. My dad was fond of telling people that if you have seen that movie you have seen his life growing up. My dad had a twin brother that died in childbirth I believe if I am remembering right. He had 10 or 11 brothers and sisters. My grandfather was a tyrant from what I am told. Most of my dads brothers and sisters did not do well in life for one reason of another. Divorces, suicides, murder etc. I over heard my dad telling about when it was in his early teens him and a friend dressed up as girls and got asked out on a date by a couple of boys. I guess they were pretty believable from what my dad says. I think he said it was supposed to be a prank but my dadís date got a little to familiar and he had to call it off. He did not tell me this I overheard him telling someone else for some reason I was not privy to.
My dad had a close friend called Avery when he was in his teens. From what could gather from overheard conversations as a kid they were very close. My grandfather was very religious and very strict. My dad at the age of 15 left home and began preaching as an evangelist. Apparently God used him and blessed his ministry with lots of healing and other miracles from what people have told me over the years.
At some point he ended up either in Texas or Arizona and met my mother. He says God told him that the lady that was to be my mother was to be his wife. Make of that what you will they were eventually married. My Momís mother was furious and thought he had seduced her I guess and went looking for him with a gun and probably would have shot him. They escaped at some point and eventually I guess my grandmother got over it. My mom had 5 sisters and one brother.
My mom wanted children I think or else my dad did. I am not sure maybe both but mom was unable to conceive due to a physical problem. Dad and mom prayed and what do you know? I was born. Grandma knowing moms condition refused to believe it till I was actually born. Dad was not happy to have a son. He wanted a daughter and so they prayed again and boom here is my sister two years later.
Mom was not a happy mother for some reason she neglected to tell me but she did say that there were times when I was little she really was tempted to push her thumb into the soft spot on my skull and end my existence. I am not sure why she would tell me that but she did. I know her and dad had some rough times.
While I was just an infant dad got up in the middle of the night to feed me half asleep and almost drowned me. He forgot to put the nipple in the old style baby bottles and pored milk all over my face. To clean me off he stuck my head under the water faucet and almost drowned me. I am not sure if that had anything to do with my catching double pneumonia as an infant but I am told that I did and recovered. Darn it. The first of many chances God had to take me home.
I know dad had a same sex attraction that he fought all his life. He at one point in his ministry was blackmailed my some lady in California , Earlimart I think. We lost everything and moved to San Diego I think after that. I have only one memory of that time. Maybe two I am not sure. One is seeing my dad naked late at night in the living room watching TV. I was spying on him and I was naked also. I wish I could remember how old I was. The other is building stuff with wood with a neighbor boy whoís dad had lots of lumber and nails and would let us use it.
Dad was in a very dark place during that time. So was my mother but mom and dad never talked in front of us kids. They never fought in front of us either. It just was not done. I wish I could remember more about this time but all I have is what Mom later told me. Dad and mom both took jobs to help us survive while dad decided what he wanted to do. Eventually he went back into preaching and started his own church. He would start one and turn it over to some organization or people and move on. We moved a lot.
Eventually we ended up I think back in phoenix and dad got a real estate license and sold houses. It was at some point I think along here that I started 5 or 6th grade. This is where I began to be aware of someone in my room at night touching me. I realized it was Dad and so I started letting him. He would visit do me and then leave without a word. The next day he was irritable and would snap at me and some times hit me. At this point I some how got the idea that if I was better when he came to me at night he would be better to me during the day. Wrong.
There were always rumors around dad but everyone stopped talking when I was around. I knew something was up but I never to the whole picture. Once dad realized I as awake he got bolder in his visits and would stay longer. He has some friends who had some sexual problems but would not tell me what they were and didnítí want to elaborate. Mom told me he would sometimes get up in the middle of the night and leave and come back hours later with something about God wanting him to go somewhere and see or do something. I know weird huh? You had to be there to see how he sold that story.
My sister dropped out of school and was dating a couple of boys who were fighting over her. I could not see what the fuss was about but eventually she married one of them. I think dad married her and her beau. He turned out to be angry and would hit her at times. They had two kids boy and a girl. She eventually divorced him and went back home to live with mom and dad.
I decided I too needed to marry and much to my dads relief picked a nice young naive girl and proposed. Dad married us too. I continued to allow dad access to me on rare occasions he would arrange for us to be alone and come on to me. I of course let him still hoping that we could make some kind of connection and I could get some kind of approval.
What I didnít know but found out many years later was that he was coming on to other boys and men. He approached my sisterís husband with some kind of come on. Later he approached my sisters other husband years later with the ruse that he had this little problem that he was battling and he could keep it at bay if he could just see another man naked once in a while. My brother in law didnít have to do anything just let him watch him take a shower now and then. Same thing I guess with my nieces husband too. There were probably others but I didnítí want to hear any more at that point as I realized I was not so special and there never was a chance ever of my dad liking me or approving of me. He had in fact gone to great lengths to tell all our extended family that I had emotional problems and not spend to much time with me or pay any attention to what I would say or do. And this worked as far as keeping me away from any of them or getting close to any of them.
At one point in my first marriage I made my dad a cassette tape describing my fear of my homosexuality and how I was doing in my attempts to overcome it. I had hoped it would open up a dialogue but instead my mom said he would not share it with anyone, he listened to it, burned it and was very ill for 3 days and she called worried about what was on the tape that got him so upset.
My dad continued to exert his control over the rest of the family and finally got caught with his great grand son fondling him when he would take care of him. Zach finally asked his mom to touch him and rub him down there because Grandpa did and it felt good.
When confronted with this he denied it and because of all his other hijinks was not believed. My sister and her family were furious and were trying to decide if they should go to the police about it. That night my dad wrote me a suicide note, went into my motherís bedroom while she slept and shot her in the head with a 22 cal. Hand gun. My sister and her husband lived about 50 feet behind my parents with a grassy space between them. Dad went outside and shot himself there in that yard so they would hear it and wake up.
I was totally oblivious to all this of course as no one talked with me because I had emotional problems. Well, if I didnítí before I sure as hell did after that.
Dad was always gentle with me for the most part during our sexual encounters. I think that is why I was drawn to go back again and again. It was the only time I can remember him being gentle with me.
At the funeral there were many people that showed up to tell what a wonderful man he was and what his life meant to them. I always wondered why no one said anything about my mom. Of course they may have I was pretty out of it as was my sisters family.
Being a preacher I have always wondered where he ended up in the afterlife. Did God forgive him? Did he send him to hell? Will I see him? What will become of me? Lots of different questions that donít really matter now. That is as much as I remember at the moment. I am sure there is more but I mean what is the point. That is pretty much the gist of it. Good bye Dad where ever you are.
Edited by Freedom49 (05/03/08 09:14 PM)