This is very hard for me to talk about. I have kept this a secret forever and never told anyone. When I was about 9-12 yrs old *I cant remember exact age* I was manipulated into having sex with a male friend. I kinda liked it. I am completely ashamed of this, I felt I was conned into it and robbed of my manhood. I have no desire to act out upon it, I am manly looking and try to act like it. I am sensitive, developed bi-polar, but I was always envious of better looking men than me. I am not attracted to manly looking men but have fantasys about my past. I am disgusted to say that. I recently got dumped by my girlfriend of 2 years and it wrecked me. I had to redefine myself, and I am trying to be like a man. I notice that when the more I have been working out,weight lifting, exercising, the more comfortable i feel. My thoughts were 10x worse when I was self conscious. I have a few male friends but tend to avoid friendships. They are all real good friends though. I am afraid of women, I have been hurt badly and had bad encounters with women I was attracted to. I have felt guilty all my life about my sexual encounter as a child. I also have a phobia of gay men, I am very uncomfortable around them. I think i felt as if they would know my past or be interested in me. I think I had a phobia against everyone, I come from a very masculine family. My dad is a phyical and mental presence,deep voice and all, my brother is a excellent ladies man and I have had a few girls but have a hard time being myself around them or friends with them in that matter. I have a problem of pitching my voice, it is deep sometimes than I will talk in a lighter tone.*I think it has to do with my confidence level* I want to be that powerful strong man my dad was and be normal, but i know its not going to happen. The more I aged the more I realized I was more straight than gay. My gay thoughts are dying down, but I need advice on coping with these thoughts. I Also am afraid of other people seeing through me and seeing my past. I am an above average looking guy, I just dont have the mindset to actively pursue all women that walk this earth. I want one special girl, and disgusted when I think of being with a man. But yet i still feel insecure about myself when I look back, I have told myself I am a little gay and I cant get rid of it but I want a wife, kids and a normal life. This experience was made worse the more pot i smoked and drugs I took. I have been smoking pot for 8 years and have recently quit. I feel different than everyone, and that I am like nobody. I spark good conversation sometimes than other times my thoughts get misguided by my past. I really want to know what everyone thinks, Please any insight onto coping with this would help. This was very hard to do and I have bottled this up for 14 years. I have also noticed a recent loss of sex drive, I am going through alot of stress and still in college moving to another school. I do remember when I first met my girlfriend I was in love with every woman I saw, and had no thoughts about men. Now after my break up I am doubting myself.

Edited by jayoessh (04/29/08 08:29 AM)