This is not a new topic, I have heard differing versions of it on this site, but I have to get this out or I will never be able to feel comfortable here.
I love to express myself in painting and in verse, it seems to be the best mirror for me to understand myself and that is what brought me to this site in the first place, I was looking on the internet to find a place that would accept poetry for critique and just happened on this site and found that it had a poetry forum, hooray I thought, then I got involved with reading and posting in the different forums and had many moments of feeling elated and as many feeling rejected.
As I read the bantering and responses between the people here and responded myself I kept getting the feeling that I was invading a club where everyone knew each other and were patronizing my intrusion. I know that I feel that in any social situation so this should not be any different but I keep thinking that I shouldn’t feel this way with a group of men that had experienced similar things in their lives.
Back when I first started dealing with the idea that a lot of my insecurities where cause by my CSA I sought out homosexuals, not for the sexual aspect but because they were the group with the most potential for having experienced CSA and I desperatly wanted to talk about it. When I saw backstabbing behaviors and hurting gossip I questioned why “brothers” would want to hurt each other when the rest of the world was causing so much pain focused on them for their lifestyle. I was disillusioned.
But I was also being idealistic in thinking that oppressed groups would support each other no matter what. All I had to do was look around me, black men are most often the victims of black crime, homosexuals are often emotionally vicious towards each other, etc., etc.
When I first came onboard I didn’t want to commit to a membership so I donated. More recently my paranoia told me that it was members who were in the club and maybe it was my lack of membership that was causing me to feel the rejection. So I joined.
This long read comes down to a basic question… does anyone have words that can help overcome the feeling that people are looking at my posts and saying” God not him again.
He’s such a bore and says the most irrelevant things. Let’s just ignore him and maybe he’ll go away.
As I write this I am realizing that this is my character, the one I have been moving around the world in, and I’m wondering just how far I’ve really come in my 25 years of dealing with recovery. I WANT A WORD THAT WILL SNAP MY THOUGHTS AND SAY AHA, THAT’S IT. I’M FINALLY ONE OF THEM
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!