I just told my wife recently and it was very difficult so I can imagine how you're feeling.

Once I told her I sort of expected her to follow in lock step with my claims of abuse (like not to question my assertions) and be super sensitive and empathetic all at once. So naturally with that expectation things blew up a few times. That rigidity and Nazi quality was my own abuse shining through. Wives can trigger and not mean it.

All I can say is that you've told her now. Right. So my bet is that she loves you and she hates that it happened to you but if you keep talking, and opening up rather than closing off, you guys will muddle through.

That's pretty much what we're doing. Muddling. But it's ok, we're solid.

I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003