Only now can I see the real damage, and how it has worked into every aspect of my life.
Then funny thing is that I donít feel hate or anger toward the boy who molested me, or my father for abusing me. I reserve all that grief and anger for myself. Its funny, but I have no problem hating my self, but because it doesnít fit my values, I wont hate anyone else. A good Christian doesnít hate people, he forgives, so why is it so hard to forgive my self?
For years we believe we can figure it out all by ourselves, after all we're reasonably smart people aren't we, we all think we know what's best for us ?
But I realise now, with the benefit of hindsight, that all I did was think in circles.
I knew I had problems, and I thought all I had to do was forget about them and they'd go away.
Fat chance !!
Every time I acted out I said to myself "never again" but a few days later I was at it again.
I just could not figure out why I couldn't make myself stop and become 'normal'
All every time I tried I was coming to the same answers for the same old problems, and it took over 30 years for me to figure out that those answers were a load of rubbish.
It took therapy and a lot of work to get the right answers, and I had them all along. The therapist didn't give them to me, he just encouraged me to look at the old problem in a different way, and more importantly to allow myself to feel and display the emotions that went with all that I was feeling.
Once I found my new answers the whole history of my abuse and the years of grief it gave me slowly gained a new perspective, one that I could deal with.
And in the process I learnt to use these new tricks to deal my normal everyday life, I began to love my wife again, trust my friends and, most importantly, lose the hate I had for myself and begin to love myself, possibly for the first time in my life.
Abuse plays tricks on us, we get hung up on the lies we were told at an early age. The time when we are imprinting our minds. And if we learn the wrong things then we stay in that mind set until WE make the effort to escape.
It's a big job, but it's worth every scrap of effort.