That last paragraph really spoke to me. I have realized over the years that my acting out with males in my opinion, was indeed a way of returning to the trauma. Hoping to control it and understand it. Hoping to find in it what ever it was that I was hoping for which I think was to connect with my father on some level that I was denied in other means. I am no longer acting out with other males in my life and have a few good friends now but still no one close and I wonder if I will ever have a close male friend that will meet that need now that it is no longer sexual in its manifestation.