I must say that this post was inspired by MrDon and Wuame. I found MS about a month ago and have been a little unsure what to make of it and how to relate it to myself. But in this past month things have made sense to me for once so I think what happened to me was actually abuse. Now that I've identified it I hope I can move on with myself.
Here's an abridged version of what happened to me: When I was five my sister use to act out her sexual fantasies on me. I never thought anything of it. I enjoyed it for the most part. But as I grew up I found sex to be a unequivocally forbidden. I never knew why and I always thought that when I was older it would all work out. I always found myself attracted to women, no doubt about it. But when I was 21 my world came crashing down on me. Triggered by a pseudo-gay scene in a movie, I had a mental crisis. Anxiety attacks, lack of sleep and all that stuff. I knew that there was some big problem but I couldn't identify it. All I knew was that I couldn't have a relationship with a woman and what triggered me was homosexual in nature. I ended up having some uncontrolled thoughts about men. So I figured I was gay. I was a wreck. My last year in college I saw a therapist figuring that I need to come to terms with my new sexuality. After 6 months of that I was in no better shape. It didn't help. This past summer I went to Europe for a well needed vacation. I found myself in London for a few days by myself. I was miserable. I was lonely and sad. I couldn't relate to anyone and most importantly I couldn't relate to myself (Lloydy and all the other Brits—It's too bad that I didn't have a healthier mind set because London has a lot to experience. If I would have known you guys I would have tracked you down for a pint). I knew then that something had to change. So I went to some gay support groups figuring it was a start. My first time there I found myself attracted to the females. Talk about confusing!!! After that I started researching sexual abuse and found Male Survivor. It was the first thing I could actually relate to. I can't express myself enough how thankful I am to everyone here. Roy, Devon, Thad, Wuame, ABCD, Don-NY, all of you. Thanks!
So here I am. I'm 24 years old and I'm stuck. I've had trouble growing up. I've been trying to have a normal childhood for the past 19 years but it just didn't work. My experiences with my sister, my parents' puritanical concept of sex and other similar environmental factors have kept that five year old from growing up. Essentially I've been carrying around the sexuality of a five year old for 19 years. Unfortunately that five year old affects many other parts of my life. I've always been very dependant on my family. I think that when I couldn't relate to people sexually it made me dependant on my parents for the emotional support I need. It's horribly frustrating and it zaps your self-esteem.
So now I'm not concerned whether or not I'll be waking up next to a man or a woman. It doesn't really matter. I can be happy either way. What matters right now is that I live my life as a whole person. Being confused will hopefully sort itself out after I get this part of myself in order. I need that five year old kid to grow up and be 24. So here is a letter to that little kid still inside of me. This letter is for me. I'm not necessarily looking for feedback but comment if you wish.
You seem like you're a big guy now that you're five. You've seen a lot, done a lot and you've started school. There's so much to learn and you feel like you're ready for everything. But Mikey, a five year old isn't ready to experience everything. Do you remember those moments with your sister? Your sister certainly loves you but did you ever consider her love may have been misplaced? What she did to you was not for a five year old to experience. She had her own problems and was acting them out on you. I know that you enjoyed it but don't get your confusion mixed up with pleasure. The two are not the same. I know you've seen similar things on the television and at the movies but those were grown ups and not five year olds. That does not make it right for you to engage in that type of activity. Those people in the movies did what they did because they were prepared for it. You were not because you do not fully understand the meaning of sex. Now that I know what your sister did to you she will be in a lot of trouble. If the two of you were ever caught you wouldn't have been in trouble. Just her, not you. You're a good kid Mikey. And don't let your parents' view of sex make you think that sex has to be sinful. It's not. It can be a beautiful thing. You have to understand that what happened has warped your view of yourself, your view of women, and your view of sex. Your sister was the one who initiated you to this strange world of sex and your parents only made you think it was shameful. You had no control over this and its not your fault.
Mikey, now is the time for you to grow up and enter adolescence. Don't be scared and withdrawn. Relax, let go and let yourself feel. Embrace yourself, embrace your sexuality and don't be too confused and scared to live the life you deserve. You certainly don't want to be five forever. You're starting over now and discovering many new things about yourself. Enjoy it and make the best of it! You're not going to be calling the shots anymore. I'm going to be the one in control. It's time for you to catch up to me because living the life as a whole person will be wonderful. Good luck!
Your elder ego,
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin
"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck