Sorry for sounding negative but I have gone through something I thought I had finished but as of today I had a little push to bring up the past. It's winter and that can get the best of us as you know but I think it has taken me into a bit of depression. I am thinking about who I could have been and what I could have achieved with my life if the CSA had not occurred.
I know that I am a good person and I have a great life but for some reason I am trying to make sense of it, trying to figure out the why's and what if's again. I'm feeling like God owes me something or the world owes me something in return for the devistation to my adult life, all the things lost because of the trauma, the low self esteem that drove me to achieve less than and all the rest of the crazy things CSA does to a person.
So my question to you guys:
Where do you think you would be today if the CSA would not have occurred and what do you think about trying to achieve it i.e. try to get where you think you should be. What stops you and why.
I've been down this road before but sometimes in the recovery process we go back to stages and hash them out until we are done. Right now I am dealing with the anger of what I lost, I'm 42 and thinking about my future, retirement, what I have contributed to this world, where am I going etc.
I want to ask if I have helped anyone through my book or on this site just to see if maybe it was worth it, this is of course the simple need for approval coming out from my codependent root but sometimes we need a pick me up and today I am taking anything I can get.