Posting my experiences here and getting people's responses has made me think.

I'm sick of feeling terrified the instant someone I like even touches me on the wrist, I'm sick of beeing blooody jealous everytime I see teenaged lovers, I'm sick of certain words scaring me. I do not want these blasted experiences from my teenaged years to rule my life, i want to experience love in all it's forms without feeling terrified. I'm sick of feeling worthless, and always having to be in control because I'm too worried about putting my imotional problems on other people, and whenever I do become imotional myself, I'm sick of worrying what others think, and wondering if they'll distancethemselves from me because of that, even as they try to help. #

I've never told any of my experiences to the people close to me, for two reasons. firstly, i've been worried about hurting them and making them feel awful, and secondly, I've been worried that if I become too imotional, while tey'll continue to help me out, ----- they'll stop thinking of me as a friend in the same way, and withdraw a bit, ---- which is wat I do wen people with hugely immotional isues come to me for help (which seems to happen a lot).

One friend of mine is a lady who's a qualified Rogerian counseler, and while I've never gone into details, I have admitted to her that something happened to me in secondary school. she's never asked about it, but in a recent conversation, she recommended I should try telling a friend.

So, the other night i was feeling really upset, and wanted some practical advice on how to deal with these things. I went through my five closest friends, discounted the ones I thought would get too upset, and the ones who couldn't understand.

I was left with my closest mail friend, who is probably the most similar person I know to myself, accept that he obviously does not have the same issues I do, and he is perenially cheerful, and genuinely doesn't get bothered by anything.

I've intimated to him threee or four times in the last 7 years that something happened to me. so, the other night, I phoned him and frankly told him that I wanted to discuss stuff, and asked him what he thought. He started off by saying he'd known me for 7 years and nothing I could say would really change his opinion of me. Also, with respect to me being too imotionally bothered and him distancing himself, he said tthat actually he thought I was hugely immotionally independent! which was nice.

Over the next couple of ours, I rather coldly told him everyting that happened, ---- I actually remembered a lot more than I wrote down in the "my story" thread, and he gave me a few really fantastic ieces of advice. Being as we are fairly close friends, I could also talk in symbols and experiences that meant something to both of us, wich helped me get things out.

My friend's perspective on things was hugely helpful, and I've now changed my views on various matters.

Also, I've resolved to deal with things, ---- including my various fears, and in a couple of months, when the production I'm in has finished, I'm going to find a physical therapist to help me work with the contact stuff.

I also would like to get around some of my other blocks, ---- such as my problem with saying the S word, and associated things, which I'll be thinking about. Even last night thoug at rehearsals, my director asked me to say a certain line ---- fl--taciously, ---- which I had trouble with, ---- both in terms of feeling very bothered, by it, and because I physically have no idea how to even begin with something like that, ---- even if i wanted to.

Anyway, that's my rambling for this morning done, ---- actually, I'm feeling a lot better about things now.

Appologies for the really long and verbose post here, it just helps me to get these resolutions streight in my mind, and remind myself what I'm trying to do.

Edited by dark empathy (12/07/07 12:03 PM)