Hi. My name is Andy. I'm a victim of sexual abuse.
My dad was my abuser...I think it happened before I could even talk until I was about 10. At least my T thinks it happened that early. I sure feel like it did too.
I don't know if I feel as angry as most people do at their perps...sometimes I feel weird and bad about that...like I SHOULD be angry, like that's what NORMAL survivors should think...but...
I mean I'm a messed up cookie too, and I'm sure dad was just another link in the chain, so I can't very well be mad at him for being messed up in the head. I'm not the picture of sanity either. I wish he hadn't have touched me and stuff but...yeah. He did and I can't go crazy being mad anymore.
I felt angry a lot in the past; especially in my teenage years (I'm 26 now). Being angry really hurt me and caused me a lot of grief, even today. He never felt bad because of my anger; he never caved to the pressure. No, it just ate ME up. I could've been a lot more successful had I not wasted so much time "expressing" my anger. But I was a kid...who didn't think in the future.
So now I'm just indifferent to the man. When I see him at family things I'm friendly, but distanced. When he calls/e-mails I write back. I feel bad sometimes that we can't have a relationship as adults. As much as he hurt me as a kid, there WERE good times too; and I really do look fondly on those times when he wasn't abusing me, and miss them. But I've really left the ball in his court. It's on him to get the help and confidence to have a relationship with me. He vanished when I was 10 and since then it's been in and out. 16 years. I don't even KNOW him anymore.
I wish I could've been 10 WITHOUT baggage.
By then I was pretty whacked out. Finally getting myself together though...16 years later. I'd say half way up the hill.
Thanks for listening.