I know the title of this thread will get the mods' attention, but my intention here is to provide help to others. This topic is probably the most difficult one of all for me, and I have a whole host of difficult topics to deal with.
I've had a serious bout of depression over the last few days. I made it. Things are slightly better. On the ten scale, I was at a 1 on Saturday. I was so low, thoughts of suicide started to permeate my consciousness once again.
Before I go further, I need to give a little background. For about 20 years of my life, suicide was always an option for me to cure my problems. I came very, very close on one occasion, and much of the rest of my time was spent planning ways I could do it painlessly. When I started to quit my addictions one by one, the feelings got stronger and stronger. When I gave up the last of my addictions, I started to think about why? That's part of the reason why my knowledge of CSA finally came up. My first flashback happened on July 17 of this year.
On that day, I decided that I would forcibly purge all suicidal thoughts out of my head. They didn't disappear. I just made a conscious effort to not think about them anymore. When I was fresh into this whole recovery business, it wasn't that hard to do. However, the depression started to get worse...and worse. As more memories came up, it became more and more difficult to purge the thoughts of suicide away. I was already in therapy, but I finally elected to see a psychiatrist because I couldn't take it anymore.
When I started taking anti-depressents, the most noticable of the depression symptoms that disappeared was the urge to end it all. All suicidal thoughts ceased, and I lived like that for several months. I didn't realize how happy I was until things started to get bad again over the past few days.
I've pinpointed the spot where I need to get help. It started on Thursday of this week, where I had a confrontation at work. It went very poorly, and the first suicidal thought in over two months came up. I was easily able to put it aside, but it started a chain reaction. The fact that I was once again in a severe depression brought on thoughts of suicide, and the thoughts of suicide made the depression worse. It's a vicious cycle.
I didn't realize how bad it was until a few words that were mentioned from a friend I have. I made several phone calls on Saturday, trying to figure out what to do. I finally ended up talking to the psychiatrist on call at a local emergency room, and she convinced me to go stay with my aunt for the weekend.
My aunt has been wonderful. I can talk about most of my CSA issues with her, and she helps me to spread new light on everything. However, I have come to realize the most difficult part. I cannot bring up suicide with her.
And I also started to realize that if the psych on call wasn't trained to talk to people about this sort of thing, I might not have been able to tell her either.
I urge everyone who has ever had thoughts of suicide, or may be thinking about it now...practice saying it so you can bring it up to a mental health professional. They'll know what to do. This site is, of course, not armed with the proper resources to help people who are suicidal, but I've come to find out that the most difficult part about dealing with suicidal thoughts, at least for me, is to bring it up to others.
I have had suicidal issues for over 20 years of my life. I finally know, now, that just a lingering thought of suicide is the point where I need to go get help fast. I now know who I can call, and I urge everyone to keep this in mind.
Most hospital emergency rooms have a psychiatrist on call at all hours of the day or night. If you are having issues and are thinking about suicide, please call the local emergency room and ask to speak to the psychiatrist on call.
I don't know how I would have made it through this weekend otherwise. No, I don't feel much better then I felt on Friday or Saturday, but the thoughts of suicide are at least temporarily gone.
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.
What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.