Hey guys,
It's been awhile, but I'm back, looking for your thoughts. I'm sorry for what's brought each of you here, but thankful that this place exists.
Quick summary: At age 13, friendless and alone, I was suddenly befriended by a minister who was 24 years older than I. Flattered, I enjoyed his company and went along with things when it became apparent that he wanted something in exchange for his friendship. Two years later, he moved to another town, and things ended between us. Back to being largely friendless. Worried that I was gay and trying to hide it, I avoided anything that would reveal who I was.
During college, dealt (poorly) with bouts of depression, and I did see a therapist, although this was back during the time when homosexuality was still classified as an illness by the APA. In my senior year I met a girl who was attracted to me, and I proposed (sort of). While I'd stopped seeing my therapist, I did check in with him before going ahead with the marriage, but he encouraged me, asking did I plan to ask about all of her prior lovers. (Bothered that he'd see my abuser as a lover, but I let it go.)
Years go by...over 30 of them. We raise two beautiful girls. At their births, I was relieved that they were girls, because I was afraid that I couldn't be a good enough role model for a boy. Finally nearly four years ago, I tell my wife about the CSA and that I'm attracted to men. Throughout our marriage, I've been faithful, but she now thinks I've been emotionally unfaithful, a concept that I reject. We struggle for years with all of it.
Recently, she's come to accept me more and we've become very close. I feel like I'm ready to put all of this behind me.
Last week, my therapist had me talking to my "younger self" in an empty chair, and I told him (me) I was sorry for not being stronger at the time and avoiding all the subsequent pain.
It was brutal to relive all those emotions. I'm inclined to quit therapy and focus on the present. Seems too painful and non-productive to rummage around in the past.