recentley---i have been getting this gut feeling----------loss of appitite-------and a deep sadness--------------------------and a urge to cry-----------------some music of the 50s-------and other music has been putting me there------------and i am not running from it----i am trying to embrace it---------to get to the bottom of this-------------it isnt a very plesant feeling-----------------but i think i need to go through it--------------------------this morning-i recalled -when i was about 15---i fell in love with this girl -at school-----------i couldnt get her out of my head-----------yet i didnt know how to deal with these feelings-------------i wasnt prepared for this------------------------------i called her on the phone--------------after anganizing days-of fear to do this------------when she answered----------------i told her i love her------she was suprized----------probley didnt even know who i was-----------she said she was flattered-------------i didnt even know what that word ment----------------------that was it----------next day at school i feelt like such a fool----------thinking everyone knew-----------and i had no skills in feeling-------------------i think at that point in y life is when i really started to stuff my feelings-------------------they were wrong---------they sent me in the wrong direction------------i became bitter--------angery hatefull------------------------it wasnt to long after that -i found drugs---------------and that cruod of people-----------i was accepted------------------screw the other people i thought--------------------my long road to distruction-and not feeling---------------my release---------------------so this feeling i am getting today-----i can connect it with that same feeling then--------------------that gut feeling------------i need someone to hold me ------------tell me they care--------------and that i matter-------------so in my mind maybe i am connecting with that feeling of way back-------------dont know for sure----------------steve