I'm not sure how to talk about this... but I'm just going to try and put it down before I forget it. I know it's a long post, but it's important for me to get down as much of the detail of this. I hope you guys find something useful in it. I'm going to break this up into two posts, so it doesn't seem so daunting a read.

During some of my EMDR sessions, an image has come up a few times of a small citadel or jailhouse deep within my mind. The last time I did an EMDR session (a few months back) I was finally able to get inside this place to see what I had put in there. I could feel that there was something important locked up inside, but I had no idea what I would find when I finally got in. It's hard to describe what exactly it was that I found when I went inside the building... but what I saw was an orb of energy. IT wasn't very big, but I could feel a strong force, some sort of power, emanating from it. It hummed with a low sound that reverberated against the brick walls, and it glowed with a dark light.

I knew at the time that whatever this thing was, I had chosen to lock it away for protection's sake. At first I thought it was some part of me that I needed to protect, like my life force or my hope for example. But I realized after a while that that couldn't be true. I've never lost my hope, even in my darkest days. And the kid (my inner child) has always roamed free throughout my imagination and my mind, he's never truly been trapped.

But even though I didn't know what it was that was inside that jailhouse, I knew that it was time for that structure to come down. There was simply no way I could hope to ever live a full and satisfying life if I kept some part of me (and a very powerful part at that) locked up deep within my mind. So over the course of the next few months I worked on dropping barriers in my life. I tried to be more open to friends, I decided to try dating, and, most importantly, I gave my presentation at the conference. I can't say that this was all a carefully calculated plan at the time. All I did was decide to try and be more open in my own life, and these are some of the things that I started to do in response to that decision.

For the most part, I've been happier as I've been tearing down these outer walls. But I've certainly had some bigger mood swings since I decided to try and open up. For instance, all this week I've been in a really strange place emotionally. On Monday I was told by someone I liked that she wasn't "emotionally available" (cruel irony that!). On Tuesday I had a very challenging group session in which I really reconnected with some powerful feelings of abandonment and sadness from my childhood. On Weds I broke down after spending day after day walking the picket line and struggling with a loneliness that was beginning to become overwhelming. On Thursday I collapsed at home, stay in and tried to rest all day. And finally yesterday I started coming around.

I thought that maybe this was all pre-holiday jitters (my mother died on Thanksgiving in 99, and I've always shunned the holiday since) and the stress of being on strike (I'm a Broadway stagehand for those that don't know). The loneliness I've been feeling lately also seemed to me to maybe be a sign that I was beginning to process the feelings of betrayal and anger from my divorce that I haven't really dealt with yet. But apparently it wasn't so complicated as all that.

Edited by tartugas (11/17/07 07:14 PM)
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence