So, here I am, glass of wine in hand, 1 1/2 years of tears and confusion later, bf gone.......

I had to come back here, this has been such a supportive place. My bf lied to me again. For months I have been sensing he's been odd with me, I've been asking him what's up and he's been like, huffing and sighing like as if I never let up and basically in hindsight, treating me quite unkindly. On wednesday I snooped, since I was feeling so confused about everything and found an email reply to a massage ad basically saying(in his words), "was the guy after an erotic massage/therpeutic/both??.....prices, then, "please use discretion(if necessary) since I am married".................well I was so unsure of myself and how to approach it(I can see that's just how confused I have actually become), I phoned my councellor and she was very validating and supportive. So, after having to(once again), put on a brave face and be a good parent to my kids, put them to bed etc....we sat down for an honest conversation. He seemed to be of the opinion that since he can't share with me his desires and the worry over losing me, because of how I'll take it, it is obvious I'll not be satisfied with anything less than certainty from him, so he has to go out to find out what this 'other thing' means to him...he said it's like a great big brick wall between us......I asked him , ok, what were the things he can't share with me? Lay them on the table now then... and he answered the same thing again.....he ran circles round me.........I asked him if he was satisfied with our sex? he said yes, but he just has this other thing in his head and he doesn;t know what it means. I asked him if he was being honest about what sexual things he wanted us to be doing and he said he was......I was wondering if it was more just the act he was after, but he seemed fairly clear about the fact it is a man he wants for that. He seemed to feel justified in his lieing to me, since it is 'my fault' there's a brick wall between us. I specifically said please don't lie to me again.....I said if he felt he needed to go out and do something, please tell me, since I really won't be ok if you lie..........and he has lied anyway. After all this time.

I said to him, how come the fact I've still been here by your side has gone unnoticed?? Through all your identity issues, have I not been here???? How dare he treat me the way he been doing this past few dare he be angry with me when I've been insecure, claiming his "sexuality issue was all sorted since last christmas and why did I not believe him!!!!" He's been angry and I've felt guilty and I have tried time and time again to risk beginning to put myself into fixing this relationship, only to find I am still being liled to and I am still living with someone who seemingly still isn;t actually choosing to have this relationsip.

We have two young children and I have tried to make this work for their sake, but if this is the reality of that 'family', then I see it is no kind of good example to be giving them anyway. He tells me he never lived out his teenage normal developement, so it's a part of what he needs to do. Interesting though, how he seemed to think therefore lying about it was somehow acceptable. I'm no fool, I can accept a person may have to these things, I just would have rather he'd taken ACTUAL responsibility for that and not try and make out I'm the one who's responsible. If it is a choice he needs to make, that's his choice and how dare he deny my right to choose what I want within that frame work? He said he doesn't know what this other thing might mean to him. He doesn't know what the outcome might be.....then he tried to tell me he knows he loves me and wants to be with me........I don't think he knows what loving someone means yet. He told me he was trying to protect our relationship. I asked him what gave him the sole right to make that choice.

I am exausted by this endless shit and it is obvious to me he needs to discover his own power, wherever it's true centre may be. He has to take resposibilty for his choices and accept the consequences. He has to realise they are his choices to make even. He is ike a cowardly adolesecent. I also can see this is his journey and there's a possibility it may go on for some time, I am just in the way and that's exactly how he's been treating me, so I'm trusting my instinct on that. And enough is enough.

Oh yes and not forgetting another way he tried to trivialise the whole thing, by saying "it's just sex, it's not love". I told him not to patronise me with that crap. I understand the difference between 'just sex' and more than just that! And was he trying to make out that shouldn't bother me in some way???? He knew if that's what he wanted to do, he'd have to leave and he lied to me and I felt like I was going crazy....I have so had enough of this shit in my life. If this is the reality of trying to have a family life for my children, it is just going to be worth the struggle to be seperated. And I never thought it would come to that. So , THAT'S how much faith I had. I never truly thought it would come to that. And that goes unnoticed in his eyes.

It's his choice not to share stuff with me.
It's his choice to lie to me.
It's his choice if he wants to go out and have sex with other people.

He needs to accpet that as a fact, in whatever it might mean to him.

And obviously I am broken hearted.

I had said to my councellor, I just felt that if this continued, I'd end up having a heart-attack, and she said, "Interesting that, that you say HEART attack".

I cannot trust anything which comes out of my bf's mouth anymore. I'm not sure when he's telling me the truth or not, what's been a lie, what's been true. It is crazy making of the worst kind and like my mother's partner pointed out, I don;t have to live like this anymore. She is an abuse survivor herself, and since I had said, he'd told me(not sure if it's true or not), that this had only been a decision he'd made since beginning to face the second abuse(he has repressed memories). She pointed out that sooner or later all abuse survivors have to deal with these things and make choices. I asked him if he'd disclosed and he said he'd told all he remembered......and he also said he didn;t trust his therapist again. He believed his T would tell him he was gay.

Well, you can see the web of confusion all round.....all I know is this is his journey to make and I will not be held in position of being in the way somehow any longer. Let him go and live out his missed teenage years.

I am so so sad. But also relieved a little. Like, I KNEW I was being lied to still and thank God I'm not just crazy. I need a man who knows what he wants, I know that much.

So, life goes on and I will need to work and earn a living and i am up to the challenge. I have to be strong for my kids and I will be. And who knows what the future will hold, but at least I have self worth finally.

thankyou for reading this long rant.
glad to be back