Short background story:
Iíve been abused at the age of 6 (25 now), while staying for a short while at my grandparents home. Iíve never went back there except for their funeral. The abuser, a cousin left the country and I never got to confront him. Iíve never searched for any kind of help mainly because Iíve lived a good life. I had no major social issues, a lot of friends, a few girlfriends, for a while I was actually happy. At 14 I started drinking and smoking, it got so bad I was almost never sober, parents didnít see it, they were concerned with me ditching school, and bad grades. Long term relationships ended with being dumped, and for some reason this had a devastating effect on me. At 18 a new girl helped me quit drinking. Recently I keep on getting worse, I am horribly depressed, I feel the need to strangle anyone who raises their voice at me, Iím incredibly paranoid and jealous, I use to have amazing insight, and power of concentration, biggest IQ in my college. And Iím a wreck, donít know what to do, and I have the constant feeling that something bad is going to happen, I donít want to be around people, Iíve got nightmares almost every night , my relationship feels like itís killing me and I just donít find it in me to stop it, I feel that people around me know that I am weak, I crave self control and itís even worse because I know I had it.
I donít need wishful thinking, everything is not going to be ok if you donít do anything about it. Does anybody know what are the steps to take in retaking your life back. I hate feeling insecure, I hate to hate myself.