I heard someone say one time "The distance between the brain and the heart is about one foot, yet it's the longest journey some will ever take" And this really hit home for me. And guess it's where I am at in my recovery today. I "know" most of the right answers, just ask LOL. But this guy helped me see there is a difference in "knowing" and "understanding/believeing" that knowalge. For example, I KNOW I'm worth good things in my life. But how do I learn to "believe" that? Because knowing and believening are two different things. How do you move the information you have from your brain to your heart? I have no clue. All I do BELEIVE is I'm tired. I'm tired of recovery, I'm tired of fighting the demonds, I'm tired of each and every day pretending I'm "healthy". I'm tired of people who call themselves "friends" turning there backs on me just because my life isnt going a direction THEY think it should. I'm tired of liveing for everyone else, and when I deside to FINIALY try to learn to live for ME..... THEN I'M WRONG!!!!! I'm tired of every turn someone pointing out where I have failed, guess what? I know already, but hey thinks for turning the knife thats in my heart..because after all haveing a knife in ones heart doesnt hurt bad enough "you" need to twist it. I'm tired of trying to change things in my life only to fail at that. OH well maybe "they" are right, maybe I'll never change from where I am right now. Maybe I just need to work on likeing the person that's here today because I'll be liveing with him for the rest of my life. Maybe "they" are right..Im not able to change. Maybe, just maybe I'm the person who diserves to have friends turn there back on. Maybe I'm not ment to live for me. Maybe me being happy isnt important but makeing sure they are.

Sorry didnt mean for this to turn into a rant.


I have more issues than Rolling Stone!