Sticking my neck out, sounds about right to me. My csa started when i was very young. So i never learnt about feelings and how to use them. If i showed any feeling or emotion it was beaten out of me and i had lectures about how weak it was to let people know how you felt. I soon learnt that to show emotions meant you were weak and if you were weak then no one would love you or like you.
So i just shut off and i would sit against the gym wall at school and watch how the other kids reacted. I soon learnt how to mimic all the things i would need to pass as NORMAL.
I did not get it right all the time and i became the weird one at school. This got me sent to see the school counsellor several times. My mum thought it was to do with the problems that she and dad were having at home. When i was at home with my dad he would make me tell him everything that i was asked and then he would tell me what i was to say and if i got it wrong he would hit me. It was noted when i was in the army that i was cold and did not let anything bother me. This plus the fact that i found i was very good at being a soldier, got me transferred to a specialist unit. Same thing here i could not show any emotion because we were not supposed to feel fear.
Now at the age of 39 its like the wall i built in my mind has started to crumble.
All the emotions are hitting me from every side, but nearly all the time its like i have an undercurrent of anger floating in my mind. I snap and get worked up over the littlest things. I have panic attacks when i have to leave the house and if im around people i get very angry and start to panic, this just gets me more angry.
This is causing so many problems not just with my life, but also with my wife She is trying to help me and i try not to, but i snap at her for no reason.
At times i wish i had never opened myself up to all these new feelings and emotions. But i know if im to sort all this out and function, i must learn how to handle and use them. Sorry if this got a bit long but , not sure what to say except sorry.