So I know that I've made a lot of posts and sort of createed a persona here that a lot of people have responded realy strongly too. While it's true that I've made some remarkable strides in my own healing with the love and help of lots of friends here, I want to take a minute and show the softer side, the part inside the shell as it were.
I know that I've been one of the loudest, most poitive voices here advocating for rights to get the help we need and our ability to do what we need to do for ourselves. It occurs to me that some people might think of me as somehow different, or more resiliant. Maybe some of y'all think that I'm just made of tougher stuff or that I don't have to deal with quite as much.
Here's some of what I don't talk about:
Every day I still struggle with the pain.
Every day I am lonely.
Every day I feel the sting of my experiences and my fears and my sadness.
Every day I question myself, question my courage, my intelligence, my passion, and my hopes.
Every day I spent at least a part of feeling like a failure.
Every day I wonder why no one loves me.
Every day I have a part of that just wants to curl up on the couch and cry, but I never can.
Every day I wonder why I fight so hard.
Every day I have to remind myself that I am good (some days it's not so easy, either).
I hate all of this. I used to hate me because of it. I don't any longer, and I know that that is a big step and sure sign that I'm healing. But it's not easy. I wish these thoughts and feelings would just go away, but they don't.
On the other hand, I also know that it's okay to feel like this. It's who I am, and what I am. This doesn't mean I'll spend the rest of my life like this. It's okay to be me. And it's ok for each of you to be you as well.
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence