Thanx guys, but if it were just me suppressing feelings i don't think it would bother me as much. i know what that is - and i have done it often thru the years. but death of someone close has never been so empty feeling before. i wept openly at my mother's funeral - friend's passing has had the same response. but those were before i started actively working on my "recovery".

if i'm suppressing now, it's subconscious. all i know is i have no emotion around this. and it bothers me. greatly.