my mother's family has always been (and will probably always be) very close. my father's family is the opposite. my grandfather lived a half mile from his brother - they never spoke. my father and his brother never speak. i won't even get into me and my three.

the only close relative i had on my father's side passed tonight. at one time we were best of friends - he was one of the few people who could have me in stitches laughing for hours.

last couple years we drifted apart some - but kinda stayed in touch. couple months ago he left his wife - past few days i guess he's been drinking pretty much non-stop...

anyhoo - i know i should feel something - but i don't. it's like there's nothing inside me left to grieve with. i'm completely numb. i don't miss him - it's like i heard some guy i'd never met died.

i hate the way i feel. or, more precisely, DON'T feel.

right now, i pretty much hate everything. no - more don't care about anything. i don't even feel hate any more.