It's strange, I just joined this site and read your post first and I related right away. My wife has known about my history for a while, but we are now dealing with it in couples therapy. I do not identify with being gay, nor am I in denial of it, which is always the question. I am straight and very attracted to my wife, but have fantasies of reliving my past experiences with a much older man. I think about it while I am with my wife and feel deeply ashamed. The thing is though, that I have tried multiple times before my marriage to relive those experiences and it was always a failure. Nothing lives up to those memories that shaped us, whether we accept that we were abused or not.
For some of us, our memories leave a haunting desire that we cannot attain anymore. What we experienced was not homo or hetero sexuality, but something altogether different that we cannot capture. That is the hardest thing for me to deal with, that those events are a ghostly hand on my libido. You and I are straight, but our pasts defy definition and it wreaks havoc on our present. Just know, you cannot relive those experiences. That is the damage those moments inflict upon the unformed mind. Love your partner and acknowledge your memories are a book you once read (whether you loved it or not) and a reality you cannot capture again.
Edited by sebby (10/29/07 12:32 AM)