I hope this is the right forum, but Im basically seeking advice/input/experience of anyone who wishes to share information or experiences related to not remembering that anything had happened to you as a child, and later remembering and dealing with it as an adult.
Quite a bit earlier in the year I posted the below thread (no need to read to follow this thread, I think Ive put enough detail in this one too - trigger warning I think too) Link
It was extremely tough to even write, and brought me to tears. I basically posted as a start to try and answer some questions with how I have been feeling inside off and on since I was a young child.
To sum it up, I bascially starting thinking aloud about very sexual behaviour I was displaying as a child, as well as feelings of depression, anger and deep rooted trust issues felt growing up and for unknown reasons that I hid. I am a 25 year old male now, and as I have grown older I have begun to wonder if I was abused somehow as a child and dont recall. While I tried to justify tangible reasons why I felt like something happend in the original post, the biggest reason is that it just feels like something very bad happend to me as a child inside. I only began to think about my history as a child trying to figure out why I have felt like something happend to me for so long, and yet I have no idea. Its like I KNOW it happened and just forgot it?? I go about my life, living and sometimes fighting periods of not feeling so happy. And every so often this feeling emerges. I cant explain it, it doesnt make sense, and yet it feels so real.
Well last night was another one of those, in which I usually stay up all night and feel like crap. I find it extremely hard to elaborate on my original post further, but I also cant help but wonder what this feeling like something happened to me means. I certainly didnt seek this, though I am seeking answers to it. I find it hard to put into words what I mean here, but last night I was feeling so down and it seems to be the same feeling inside that Ive carried along from a young age. I was raised in a great home, with great parents, and a great life. I have no need to feel like things like shame, depression and all for reasons I cant even explain!? And yet I have felt like this on and off for as long as I can remember. Like something happend to me that I knew about at one time, that no one else knows about, that I dont remember. Like I forgot about it when i left childhood, but the effects have stayed with me since... if that makes any sense??
I guess what brings me searching here again today is that what ever this is was on the TIP of my tongue or the edge of my mind last night. Like I said before, Im having a real hard time explaining what Im trying to get at here, but hopefully someone reading this will be able to offer some personal experience, or input. And hopefully this just wasnt confused rambling... thank you.