For some reason I am having a tough time about the abuse again. For quiet some time it has been going well but for the past few days there is a lot of questions again.
My biggest problem remains that sometimes I still blame myself. I still feel that somehow I gave my perp the wrong impression of me, that I attaracted him because of things I did. One of the reasons that I dont see some of what happened as abuse is because he was only 3 years older than me. Everytime he sat on my face and forced me to sattisfy him orally he did the same for me. I usually were done before him and somehow I then got so disgusted I were able to tuen my head away and not sattisfy him. Now the thinking patern is this. Didn't I perhaps, because of not sattisfying him make him come back every time? Although a few times he actually were sattisfied he did it to me again afterwards. The second thing and this is really bothering me. Why could I get my head turned away when I was sattisfied but every time he started it I didnt try to much. Didnt I perhaps want it then?
Every time he did it to me he had to pin me to the ground. Every time he had to force my mouth open and yet I feel I wanted it because I did not struggle more or scream for help.
Another thing, how do I get to a point of accepting that some of the things I did was due to him. I know exactly why he stopped raping me. I am too ashamed to say why but it was something that I believe happened due to the perverted image I had of sex. I sometimes wonder if he didnt see what he did if he would not have still continued sattisfying me. I just dont know. These question just seems to pop up every now and then and I just feel I could have done more to stop him from doing it to me for 5 long years.
Not Perfect, just forgiven