Ok so I found this board yesterday and I just want to post my story.
I am in my late twenties and for most of my life lived a pretty normal life. I had a little bit of a drinking problem but I thought it was because it ran in my family history. About a year and a half ago, I remembered that I was sexually abused by an uncle when i was somewhere between 9 and 11. As far as I know it only occured once and at the time I had no idea what it was. It was explained to me that that was how he punished he kids and I was getting punished for doing something bad. When I told him I was going to tell my father (his brother) he convinced me by that my father would be so pissed at me for what I had done, so I wouldn't tell him by explaning that he had known my father four times as long as I had known him.
Sometime later I became aware that this uncle had abused other members of my extended family in the past and that all were aware of it. I remember feeling really pissed at my family for allowing to go away to visit him but thankful that nothing had happened to me. After a while I started to think that maybe I had been abused but I couldn't believe that I wouldn't remember it. Eventually, I regained the memory of my abuse.
When I first regained the memory, I remember thinking that wow some people become seriously messed up because of this stuff I'm really lucky that didn't happen to me and that I'm a strong person so it won't. Well that was extremely naive.
I am royally screwed in the head right now. About a year ago I to engage in these extreme alcohol binges where I would get realy really drunk and black out. I would regain my memories slowly over the next month after the incident and my bahavior shocked me. Often something would trigger me volunteering the info and then I can't even begin to describe the foolish things I do. I tell people that I think I am gay and just engage in outrageous behavior.
I had never ever once thought I was gay before this recollection. I think I have a hard time relating myself as a victim. I have always been the emotional strong one in my family and in relationships. I have what most people would say is a very successful career but I am starting to screw it up with my episodes. I have discussed this with noone other than an ex-girlfirend while sober.
I fought through strong urges of suicide in the past year and am over that. I do still feel morbidly depressed however, and can't stop feeling like I am this freak. I have come to the realization this past week that as strong as I think I am this is something I can't handle on my own. I am going to seek out a therapist this week. Does this ever get any better?