You mention the "M" word and people act all weird on you. It's not that other men don't do it, but they are just not comfortable talking about it... perhaps that's why people use humors to hide something that's so real and painful (especially to those of us who have been abused). Not being able to socially discuss this openly it makes us feel all the more isolated and alone in our fight to recovery. I am thankful that I am able to finally share my struggle with you all in this safe place. Being able to discuss about this makes me realize that I am not alone, which is often my struggle... that I am alone and no one understands me. It helps to know what others (especially fellow Christian men) go through. I value any comments that you may have to encourage me on the path of recovery. You may also PM me if you don't want to share your experience openly.
(Possible trigger) I struggle with the cycle of masturbation addiction and shame. I grew up in a Christian family, so masturbation was a no no. I am not saying that masturbation is good or evil, I am not in that realm. But I am saying that it does bring about lots of guilt because I realize that it is something of the flesh. In my case, I discovered masturbation by accident when I was in grade 5 or 6. And I never did it 'right' as I used to just hump against my pillow. Because of this, I never realized what it was that made 'the white stuff' (that's what I called it back then) came out. Even when a friend of mine masturbated with me a few times when I was in 9th grade, he told me that I wasn't doing it 'right'. But this all changed when my abuser did it to me when I was 17. He was a master in masturbation comparing to me. He knew just when to speed up and when to slow down to prolong the pleasure. He knew when to apply pressure and when to soften his strokes. Every time when he was masturbating me, I felt SO ashamed that I enjoyed it. Many times I would try my best not to ejaculate by thinking about homework or other things, but eventually I couldn't fight it anymore and would ejaculate. Of course I felt even more shameful every time that I enjoyed something that I considered to be 'wrong'. And every time when I ejaculated, he was very encouraging and said that he was very pleased that he was able to help me... if my load was bigger because I haven't ejaculated in a while, then he would get even more excited and was very vocal about it.
Eventually he started using his mouth on me, and it brought me to a whole new level of experience. I thought that this was disgusting at first, but then I liked it very much at the same time because it felt amazing and I would ejaculate even harder. Of course I felt even more ashamed afterwards. What was wrong with me? The worst part was that he would say that this was a sign that I really enjoyed what he was doing to me. He kept saying that it was normal for man to do this to each other and that this was his way of showing that he loved me... I realized through therapy that these were all lies!!! But unfortunately I didn't know this back then and I slowly began to believe him and let him do that to me on a regular basis. My moral standing began to change and I began to question if I was gay. And instead of fighting against it, I began to embrace it and felt that he really loved me because he would perform such an intimate act on me. This went on for the remainder of my high school years.
I never used to masturbate so much. But my addiction became apparent after the abuse. I used to do it a few times a week while I was in college, and sometimes even up to a few times a day. And sometimes I would do it in environments where I would risk being caught. For example, one time I masturbated through my underwear during a lecture with a few hundred students present... When I was still in therapy, my T said that perhaps I was crying out for help unconsciously. But what I struggle with the most now is that I still have a hard time ejaculating in front of my wife. I still associate ejaculation with shame so I wouldn not let her bring me to that point. And of course that leads me to masturbate secretly later on because I was stirred up and thus this led to even more shame!! We’ve been married for five years now and she knew about the abuse before we got married. We knew that it would not be easy, but we just did not expect that it would be so difficult for both of us. It seems that I have come to the hour of impossibility.
To be honest, I would still picture my abuser in my head or the act of what he did to me whenever I want to enjoy anything sexually. Many times, the thoughts (or sights) of other men ejaculating excites me. I hate this because I realize that this is my flesh; "for I know that in me, that is, in my flesh, nothing good dwells; for the will is present with me, but to work out the good is not (Rom. 7:18). But yet it seems that this picture is so deeply engrained into me that I cannot break out of it. I need your prayers. May the Lord show me that I am crucified with Him and it's no longer I who live (Gal. 2:20). May He keep me in the enjoyment of Him by daily taking in His life imparting Word. Thank you for letting me share my struggle with you all in this safe place. Praise the Lord. He is the victorious One in us.