Mods, please i do not know if this belongs here .. please move or delete it if necessary!
I don't know where to start, but i need to talk to someone... I want to cry.... it hurts so much inside.... thats why i came back..... I'm scared... so.. I act out... I do stuff... anything anyone wants, i don't care! I don't know how to say no.
Intimidation runs, no ruins my life.
I love my family... and they r so torn apart- DIVORCED! MY decisions wreck havoc... Why can't i be normal... Both my sons(20,23) are having DIFFICULT times.. floundering with one(20) having moved 1300 miles away... albeit on really good terms. There is definately love between us... Just, I can not deal with separation it destroys me inside.
I can't make rational decisions.. or sit with a group n hold my own.... I want to run, people talk over me. Yet, as dumb as this sounds, people think i m smart - i'm NOT.
I think of sex ALL DAY EVERYDAY.. forever in my life. I'm stuck, unable to move foward or back. I crawl into a disheaveld bed -unmade in weeks... although my house is clean.....just my own space isn't ... n think it is all i deserve it's what it feels like inside me.
I put EVERYONE before me. ... in everything,cuz i do not know how not to. I was told today i wud not survive literally in NYC cuz i m too kind and i don't get it. People also lash ot at me.... knowing i won't lash back, knowing i wud rather eat it then fight it. I don't understand why people are so hateful and critical.... not necessarily of me but others.
And .. rejection forget it.... I have Begged for forgiveness in public... i'm a coward.
I am feeling horibble right now inside.. and look to act out...
I know many of you have more important issues... I don't mean to be selfish.. talking about my stupid stuff... so I appologize
Edited by Tom(stuocms) (10/11/07 08:44 PM)