All the screaming faces
Yelling at me
From everywhere
All of them telling me I'm no good
So afraid of the faces
So afraid to be bad
So afraid to say what I feel
So afraid to feel
So afraid that what I feel is wrong
I hide from the anger
From the fear
Who will I turn to
No one
I will tell no one
Because it seems so silly when it's said out loud
So stupid
But the fear is real
The confusion is real
Being a child again is real
Wanting to put your head down inside some dark place and hide is real
But they can't know
If they knew, then they would treat you differently
Like you were nuts
Couldn't be trusted
They wouldn't just help you
Let you talk it out
Let you say the things you feel
Besides, you couldn't say them anyway
Not out loud
That's why people do it, you know
Go away
Because they can't say it
Because other people want to hug them
Help them
Treat them like they're sick
And they need all that
But can't figure out how to accept it
Ask for it
Take it in
That's why it's so lonely, you know
Because you need it so much
But you can't let it in
So afraid of it
So afriad to feel
To let down your guard
Because that's how they got you the first time
You didn't know
You didn't know to protect yourself
You didn't know they would hurt you
So now you just sort of sit
But you hate yourself for sitting
But you don't want to go out
You don't want to put on your "him" suit and go out and be "him"
But that's what you have to do
You have to put away your crazy and put on your normal and start your day
But part of you stays home
Curled up in the fetal position
Waiting for you until you return
Don't tell them
I'd be so embarrassed if they knew
So embarrassed I would want to die

I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.