ok, here goes:

i've thought this over for about a week now - more or less 10 days ago a friend and i were making plans to get together during the week for the coming weekend. then i called on a sat; she was coming to my house the next day, sun evening. we sent text messages that sat afternoon, i was grocery shopping; it was raining, was a bit frazzled anyway because someone stole my umbrella out of my cart (!) but then, i tried to call her when a text answer was going to be too long and she didn't answer so i left a voice mail.

coming out of the store she sent me a long text; she was sorry she missed my call, her and her boyfriend were just finishing dinner before he had to leave and go back to his home - he lives some distance away and they mostly just see each other on weekends. not unlike the way my bf and i were doing when we started out. only she and him are rock-solid, have traveled out of the country together, are going on for about 6-7 years now.

for all intents and purposes, they have a good relationship, one that is built on trust, respect and communication. she is my friend, her bf respects that also.

of course i haven't told her of the issues between me and my bf, only that they are there and things are difficult.

but i don't know why, something somewhere just triggered me that afternoon, her text about them finishing up dinner and all - i really just had a total meltdown as in got nasty to the taxi driver taking me back from the store. of course i got soaked in the rain from no umbrella but so what? it's just water.

once inside my apt, i just sat down and cried like i haven't in a long time. i was just so hurt that someone else could have such a great relationship and i didn't, and it hurt, and i just love him so much and i know he loves me and he can't function properly and it's all just so hard.

of course i pulled myself together and all but i just thought it was so weird - it really was like just being around someone else and seeing things in a better way - it really triggered something. i don't resent her or anything, and i don't resent my bf because he's not like her bf, it's not that. it just made me sad that the csa hurt our lives, hurt what's going on, hurt him so deeply.

i just wondered if anyone else ever experienced this - like does it make you sort of nervous about being around people with good relationships? especially those of you whose marriages are now in turmoil post-disclosure?


my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.