so------------------i was so anxious for this to happen--------------------i finally got there------------------------i was overtaken-----------overwhelmed-------------i went home-----------------my world is so different now-----------i have this gut feeling-----------like i havent had in years-------------------i am so close to crying-------------------tears come to my eyes------------out of no where--------------------i am so afrade to go out in the world-----------------------dont know why----------------------------------i think this was a good experance for me========================as i am feeling something,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,it isnt good,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but its something,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,maybe that is why they call this work.............................finally went by my work today--------------------to get my check----------------------------------i had arrange for the week off---------------------as i had no idea how i would react to this retreat thing--------------------------------------------been avoiding going by work--------------------------------boy everyone was so nice---------------------my boss shock my hand-------------------this is the first time when i shook anothers mans hand----------------------------------------------that i coulf feel his hand-------------------------------a mans hand---------------------------------------------i have no idea what thnis means----------------------------------------------i told my boss about being with men who cried----------------------he told me its ok for men to cry-------------------------than told me to enjoy the rest of my time off----------------------------this made my gut feeling go away for a short time------------------------------------------------------this is what i wanted-----------------to feel--------------------so i need to go with it------------not trying to numb out which could be so easy-----------------------thank you all ----------------------------who was there for allowing me to be there and experiance yours pain,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,steve