i hate this. partial memory - i can see only a glimpse. i know i'm being held down. i know my brother's there and everyone's laughing at me. and i know my clothes are being removed.

but to get any closer and i am filled with terror all over again. i am actually getting out of my chair as if to run away. i've tried staying calm, talking to myself, and to Young Mark with reassurance.

two emotions are rampant during this. terror and humiliation. and both are off the scale. but if i try to "look" any closer, suddenly it's like the memory isn't there. fogged over. complete disassociation i know. and i know this means Young Mark isn't ready to go there yet.

but why then does this partial memory keep surfacing? why am i plagued with something my own mind refuses to admit???

i hate this.