I wanted to bump this back to the top, because we have so many new guys who may need to hear this. Check the end, for a new post from me (if you wish)
I had a really good chat last night in the treehouse with a great friend. (you know who you are) During this chat I was talking about some things that had helped me. As I typed away, this thought just came flowing out. I thought I would share it and see what you guys thought.
Many years ago I started to volunteer as a speaker for a group called NAPSAC. ( National Assoc. to Prevent Sexual Abuse of Children) The speaking gigs were primarily at schools, and included the safe touch pitch. Now and then we would speak to adults, and I would disclose the fact that I was a victim/survivor. Most of these talks would not get into details of my abuse, just touch on the subject.
I thought at the time, I was quite well adjusted, and I was dealing with my abuse. I had admitted I was raped and was seeing a therapist. He and I worked on a few things, but he was not well versed in dealing with CSA, so we mostly dealt with other troubles in my life.
The weight of the secret I had kept, was lifted and I thought I was done with my recovery. I felt like trying to help others prevent CSA would make me feel like I had conquered my demons.
Telling the secret was very healing.....
As life continued, I started to feel bogged down. The weight came back, and it was affecting everything I was doing. Life got more and more difficult. I found myself working harder and harder just to keep afloat. Then in January of this year, it all came crashing down. (I live in St. Louis and this is the hometown of the pervert Micheal Devlin, the guy who kidnapped Shawn Hornbeck) Well this was a major trigger for me, and I began to follow the story daily. Even to the point of neglecting my work. I started to feel like I was being crushed by a major weight again.
I thought I had dealt with this in my past. What was going on?
Well last nights chat cleared up all the confusion. I had shared some of the secret, but not all of them.
In the last 4 months, I began to tell the details. The feeling of relief, after finding this site and talking about the whole episode, has done wonders for me. The weight has been lifted again.
I didn't realize this until last night, and I want to thank Chris for being there. He asked the right questions and gave me the support and freedom to figure this out, while I was trying to help him.
Wow... Telling the whole story has done so much for my sanity. When you tell the secret, you are setting yourself free. Letting the memories out, can free your mind to work on other things. It is amazing to me that it is this simple.
I know I have many more issues to work on, and a long road to follow, but I really think the journey has begun. Setting my secrets free, has started my mind thinking of other things. I now have room for new and less scary memories.
So guys, if you would help me in making new and pleasant memories, maybe I can fill my mind with productive thoughts.
Thank you all for listening, for the last 4 months, to the details I shared, and for your comments.
Chris, you are my hero!!! Thanks for being here.
Luv ya all.
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....
Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.
Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007