The last time I decided to write a brand new post, with an update of the last 2 months, I had technical difficulties, and lost an hour's worth of writing with 2 keystrokes.
It was tremendously frustrating. It was also right before I went to me first counseling appointment in a long time. Writing helped to put my thoughts in order, even if I didn't get to post it. So that was encouraging.
But it's about 2 weeks later, and I find the same insecurities and doubts creeping in again. I don't see my therapist again until Jan 3.
In case you haven't read in the "Music for Survivors" section, I've been listening to some harder core music, and that has been cathartic for me. I generally will listen to calming music, which only seems to push down the unpleasant feelings, rather than FEELING them, and releasing them.
Of course, what I find is that as I uncover some of those feelings, I uncover more of them. I want to get into the habit of focusing these feelings into a constructive way. My usual habit is to find something to distract me, like browsing the web for hours without really accomplishing anything.
The trouble is that the less I accomplish, the less I feel about myself. Add to that, I've been incredibly forgetful. And my SO has been trying really hard not to get hurt feelings because I "don't listen." We had a talk about it last night, so at least we're both on alert for problem areas.
My doubts continue to eat at me, though, because I still feel like there is a rift between us. I want to talk to her again, when she gets home from work (today is my day off).
It's one of those downward spiral things: I feel lousy because I'm not performing as well as I think I should. So I don't perform as well as I think I should. So I feel less able to deal, so I don't perform as well.... you get the idea.
I doubt things are truly as bad as I feel like they are, but it is a difficult feeling to shake.
I need to prepare for some human contact for the next couple weeks. My roommate takes off to see family for a week on Dec 24. I'm taking one of my best friends to the airport on Dec 28. Both come back after the New Year. Another of my best friends moved to Hawaii a couple weeks ago (he's the social center of our network of friends).
Bright spots: Lord of the Rings just came out in theaters. This is a movie I want to see repeatedly. I'll drag every one of my friends to see it again and again, and again.
The themes in it are incredibly empowering. And I HAVE a bunch of friends I can take the time to see. Just because they are spread out, doesn't mean I can't see them.
I have plenty of "projects" to keep me busy around the apartment. Of course, the flip side of that, is that if I don't get them done, I'll feel bad about it.
Anyway, I'm trying to keep my chin up.
The fact that I've been able to respond to posts in here, and be sympathetic and encouraging is a positive in itself. 2 weeks ago, I couldn't handle anyone else's problems. Now I can take the time to respond. It's almost like I'm back to being myself. Almost.
Thanks for listening, guys. You are one of my rocks.
We're in this together.
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails