Now I realy believe that in life there are no coincidences. I just posted about this a day or two ago.
Trust, control, fear of letting go, just to name a few made it hard for me to surrender and I am and never will be all the way there, i.e. perfect.
I built myself a control kigdom after the CSA. I worked on my looks, my brains, my social standing and so on because I believed from the time of the CSA that I would nor could ever amount to anything. The world taught me that being someone of importance was proven by outward worth, so in order to prove my worth I chased it for years. The problem is I never, ever felt satisfied as I gained these things. Years of relying on my looks and things, I forgot to mention sex, porn and alcohol, is not an easy thing to just let go of unless, as in my case, something happens to brings you to your knees. I asked for this thing by praying what ever it takes, God and that is when my life truly began to change.
Ten plus years later I can safely say that I had no clue that I never fully let go and let God until two days ago. I could not accept help from anyone including God because I think I felt it would show weakness, dependency, and most importantly, that I was not in control. After my parents divorce and the CSA my nine year old brain realized that it needed to protect me and in order to do that no mistakes could be made, years in advance needed to be thought out meticulously. This pre planning never worked but in a since it did, at least I felt as if I were in control. Miserably comfortable in my box is the way I would describe it.
Long story short, the devil, satan whatever you want to call him played a great hand when he fooled me into believing that I was smarter than him. He let me believe that I had beaten him without God. My intellect, nothing more, had gotten me to this point in my life "control issues again" and that I need not trust anyone but myself as history has proven in my life.
The truth is I have never been in control and I just let him have the wheel two days ago. I must say I'm not all the way okay with that just yet but I'm working on it day by day, "As I reach out with one hand wanting to take it back." The great part is that he cared enough about me to open my heart. He let me see him without my eyes or my intellect, he let me see him as a child would see him.
1 Lord, my heart is not proud;
I don't look down on others.
I don't do great things,
and I can't do miracles.
2 But I am calm and quiet,
like a baby with its mother.
I am at peace, like a baby with its mother.
3 People of Israel, put your hope in the Lord
now and forever.
Edited by John Oarc (08/23/07 01:35 AM)