If anyone reads my post to Michael's post in the other forum, this is almost identical, but I wanted to get some advice some reaction on a separate post so I'm posting it here...
To be honest, I'm not sure what's more
frustrating...being completely down and out, or being up, way up and just about really happy, but then seeing yourself falling down and potentially wrecking everything. If you start from up top, you can go deeper than you can imagine, but you start from the bottom, you can only go up. I know that is highly metaphorical, but let me explain.
At this point, my life is actually well...hell--at least in regards to this abuse. Very few people know about it nor my homosexual/bisexual tendencies, and how often do I feel like such a hypocrite. I am a fairly intelligent person on a path to do some good things, if I say so myself. Even in love, I feel that I have some traits which are ideal in finding say the perfect man or woman. Still, I feel that as a result of the abuse, I have a huge gaping hole inside of me, one that can suck everything in and destroy everything that I've worked so hard for. Sometimes, I feel like somewhat of a nymphomaniac even--though I've been working as best as I can to control it. While I have concluded that my "sexuality tendencies" may or may not be from the abuse, this I KNOW is.
This trait has been so debilitating for me. Already I have seen certain "cracks" in the infrastructure of my life, and I'm losing that stability that I so desperately need. If I lose it completely, I know I'll spiral down faster than I've ever spiralled down before. It is so frustrating, to seem so happy--to laugh with friends, to accomplish so much, to be with family...when deep inside there is this whole inside of you and an anxiety that everything can be destroyed. I realize that perhaps that some of you don't have this infrastructure even, but to be honest, I do not kow that we are in such different positions. We have all been abused, and to some degrees we are abusing ourselves.
We've all been through spirals...huge ones, but I guess we have to hang in there. I need you guys to hang in there, just as you would want me to hang in here. Don't give up. I notice that some of us have a confusion of our sexuality...well, only now am I starting to embrace it or at least testing it out, but I've got a huge mountain to crawl up to. Regardless of whether or not I go up this road, I know I'll need someone you guys who have been going through the same stuff. Please hang in there guys--I need you to...YOU need yourselves to. After everything we've been through, we can't give up now.