I had a very scary wierd drive/cry thing tonight. I was VERY agitated and decided to just go for a drive. And I started crying [nothing new there]
but out-of-the-blue I started saying stuff out loud in the car like ... ["I just want to be loved".] ["Please don't. I don't want to do this".] ["Why are you doing this to me"?] then it got more wierd w me actually screaming [Why???!!!] and [Dear Jesus I am in HELL and I'm only a 6y little boy!!!] ["Dear Jesus I am being raped"] and it got REALLY wierd when I just screamed like some chick screaming in a horror movie.
Oh yeah. I was freaked out x 1000.
I also seemed to hit every damn red light and I just lost it and yelled so loud I hurt my voice ["Goddamn it I can't take any more stops I have to get out of here"] ["Why do you keep doing this to me"???!!! ] I went berzerk and punched the steering wheel in my car I really bruised up my knuckles. I even punched myself. IT ALL SCARED the SH*T OUT OF ME !!!
And I then I was saying stuff to sort of calm myself like ["if I didn't stop fighting and shut up they were gonna kill me. So I laid there and took it and they let me live"]
Then I started yelling out as if to ex-girlfriend ["You ice-cold bitch. What kind of a woman throws herself at a man she KNOWS has been raped as a child - uses him for sex and then just shoves him aside like an empty beer can"???!!!] [Thanks for kicking off my field trip to HELL"].
wierd stuff to come out of me BUT ALL W/OUT ANY PICTURE/IMAGES/"VIDEO" OF WHAT MAY HAVE HAPPENED TO ME, OR WHERE. This was bad enough ... I am scared to go to bed bc I am AFRAID of what nightmares I might have.
Comments? Am I cracking up? How come I managed to get through 30 some years w/out any of this stuff coming out of me?