I have that problem too. I like to line up my ducks in order and then start shooting. I make lists of points and work on them; I journal and then analyze my journal. And so on.

And I ask the same question you do. At one point I also wondered how any kid who has done the things that I had to do - and in the church itself - could ever be loved or wanted by God. But now I see that I was innocent - I was being manipulated and controlled. I didn't know I had a choice, so for me those choices didn't exist.

The real problem now is one of connecting with God. I don't feel there is a barrier between me and God; I feel there's a terrible void.

The problem for guys who are rational and analytical, Daniel, is that we are assuming that this kind of thinking will provide the solutions we need. I wonder if that's really true, or at least that won't take us all the way with CSA issues. There is so much about CSA that's entirely emotional, just blind hot feelings. And where is the sense in CSA, after all; what possesses an abuser to think it makes sense to seek sex from a firghtened defenseless child?

Ultimately our recovery does require faith of some kind. At least faith in ourselves, a willingness to take risks that seem to fly in the face of everything we think we know. And perhaps faith in something beyond that. Do we call it the indomitable human spirit that we all share? Do we call it God? Does it matter? If there is a benevolent Creator "out there" do we need him? For what, if it turns out he won't or can't protect children?

I don't have the answers to all these questions and in any case they get controversial. These are just my thoughts, and all I can say further is that these things trouble me and I wish I could connect to whatever source it is that could help me.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)