I am new to this forum. English is not my mother tongue so please bear with me my poor English. I was victim of my parent's ignorance of proper medical treatment: my eyes, teeth and immune system were affected, but one thing that affected me most as a male is that the development of one of my testicle is affected. I knew this from my family doctor and I never told my family or friends about this as I am not sure of the consequence. I am ashame of this and afraid of having sex with female. I did refuse to have sex with girls just because of my insecurity. I thought my lack of one functional testicle may affect my marriage, chance of having kids, and self-esteem. And being a single, good looking, 35 year old, artsy and well-off guy, most of my friends think that I am gay. I do fancy naked girls, boobs, etc. To control my sexual desire, I resort to masturbation. Sometimes, I go to gay websites as well as it was kind of exciting to me. And I feel that if I am gay I no longer have to worry about my (maybe) inability of having kids. I was confused of my sexual orientation and did think of having sex with guys instead.
Few months ago, depression came over me and I left a decent and well-off job. The main reason was because of the fact that I would like to leave my parents and live overseas. Living with my parents reminded me of what they have done to me in the name of love.
The same day I resigned, I went partying with one of my colleague. He's married and so I was kind of assured that he is "safe". I had a couple of scotch, watched dvds, and went to bed in his home. In the morning I realized that I was naked and he told me at my side saying that I was hot. I wasn't sure what had happened. I tried to recall what had happened, but I was in vain. I left immediately and started a new job the same day. He called me a few times afterwards but I could not answer the calls. Waited for a few months, I had blood test and was glad to know that I did not contract HIV or other STI. I went to consult psychotherapist, but I could not tell the truth. I kept thinking that he might have taken photos or videos when I was naked and so I finally called him and asked. I was also worried that I might have fucked him as I had hallucination that I saw my ex-girl friend who I refused to have sex with. I am sure I was not fucked in my ass as I did not feel pain anywhere at all. He said he was divorced recently and was lonely. He did not know what he was doing. He claimed that he did not record anything, and all he did was that he fondled my genitals, helped me masturbate and hugged me while we were both naked. He also said that I was hot when I masturbated myself in front of him. I felt empathy of his loneliness and I told him I forgive him and all I asked for was that we would not tell anyone about this. He asked if we could still be friends. I did not answer him directly but told him that I was leaving the country and had a new job overseas.
Am I gay? I must say I am very upset of what had happened, but in the same time, being an OCD, I am glad to know that I broke the rules I set to myself, felt freedom again.
I had nightmare ever since and felt that I did a terrible mistake in my life. I locked myself at home and stopped socializing with people. I fear that one day I see my naked photos or videos in the Internet.
I would like to have a wife, and kids. I do not want to see myself like this any more. I was cheerful, out-going, confident guy. I like socializing with people. My jobs' nature is to help the community and locking myself at home prevent me from my passion in helping others.
Any thought? What am I to do next? I thought of going to a sperm donor program to check if my sperm count is alright, but I worry what if I was told I cannot have kids? Will this aggravate my thought that trauma cannot be overcome? And push me to become gay? What if I was told I am healthy and be able to have kids? Shall I tell my wife (if I am so lucky to have one in my future) what had happen?
I am lost. I am glad to find this forum and I am looking forward to hearing from you.