Deep Breath -

Well, here I am. First time posting here. Have read things a time or two before. Registering just now was a sort of a kick in the gut as it makes things even more real.

My divorce became final earlier this month (no kids - Thank God). I am in discovery(?) phase now. Beginning EMDR type of tx. I have been in therapy for about 20 months now and am beginning w my third therapist. I have almost no memories at all of childhood prior to the third grade. Christmases (none) Birthdays (nada) Summer Vacations (nyet) First or Second Grade teachers / friends (as if). You get the point.

I am horrified to read of the connections a few of you have to baltimore, md which is where I grew up and lived for 30y before moving south. I don't know if I was Violently Raped or Seductively Seduced. Kidnapped or Brainwashed. Each scenario has its own set of horrors and I feel I may have indicators of either (or both).

I have been having 1-3x/day crying spells and what might be dissociative episodes feeling woozy like out-of-the-here-&-now and having some 'body memories' as well. Shaking, not eating. Not wanting to do much but lie around in bed in fetal position and cry and pray "Why?".

I always manage to get myself into work to do my job which is as a clinical social worker who treats children and adolescents. Last nite I listened to the story of a 12y female victim of gang-rape describe her PTSD symptoms. I am a Christian and figure God seems to have wired me as a Healer and I have come to peace w that. What I have not yet come to peace w is that someday I will ever be healed and happy bc I don't trust happiness or success - ever.

Please don't go showering me w "healing sunshine" like I have gotten at another site bc this process is pure HELL for me. I have never trusted men or had many male friends. You guys have no idea how much of a step this is for me to even annonymously post here. I am shaking as I type this.

Back to work, sorry for whining so much - thats just where I am right now (w/out a lot of hope) focusing on the negative so I can get it the hell 'out of my kitchen'. Most of the stories I have read make mine look like a walk in the park.