I am writing this after an attempt at having sex with my wife. Let me begin at the beginning as this is my first post on this site.
I did not remember the abuse until I was near 19yrs old. When I did remember, it all slammed into my brain like a MAC truck. I had always, even before this incident struggled with being attracted to both males and females, but being raised as a missionary's kid I thought I was dirty and perverse for thinking along those lines.
I was molested and raped by a teenage boy who was close to the family between the age of 7-9. There was alot of threatening and degredation to keep me silent. There was also the involvement of a small dog of his. (By the way I have hated dogs ever since.)
Now I am 33, and on my 3'rd marriage. We have undergone a plethera of issues within our marriage, and one constant has been my inability to perform sexually. There are times when everything goes fine, but at other times it works ok at first but it is like a switch goes off and we have to quit because there is no use in trying anymore without more frustration on both our parts.
I beat myself up for my lack of performance, I don't want her to feel like she is not attractive, or that I am pursuing anyone or thing on the "side". We are both hurt by this, and though we have spoken of the abuse and she is understanding; it is still difficult when I just want to make her happy and fulfill her needs.
I don't know why I am writing this, but I am so frustrated by the effects of the theft of my early childhood. Now I am trying to pick up the peices. If there is a way in which any of you have overcome these types of issues please let me know. I am tired of feeling dirty, inept, and dispicable.
Everything Happens for a Reason