It doesn't sound silly at all. In fact alot of time I feel the same way. I personally belive my abuse definatley has somthing to do with it. in some way I must have erotisized what was happening when I was 7-8. I mean when it first started I thoughht there wasn't anything wrong with it and very much appreciated the attention that my nabor gave me; at the time it was my only source of attention. I grew up in a very austerre home.

Lately I have been thinking about guys alot more than girls, maybe because I lack the confidence with girls. but I have always found both to be attractive.

I had my first gay experience last week, just a kiss, but It felt great! Maybe it is just cause kissing feels good anyway, maybe cause I felt good to conect with an other human in an intamet way--not to feel sooooo alone -----its bin a while since I have had a relationship.

But now I know that I can't stop thinking about him-like a crush. Maybe I just don't wanna be alone anymore and I am willing to sacrifice something for it. like anything for some company.

Before, I have had the same things with girls-never had much courage to ask them out, funny I found it easier to ask a guy-I don't get it.

I'm not sure this helps you very much but I think I am on the same or atleast a similar page as you are.

I think I will hit the gay clubs tonite, see what happens.


ps I am In EMS and know the statistics. 20% of gay men in this country have HIV or AIDS, thats 1 in 5, so be careful and be safe-practice safe yada yada

"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner