You are not a loser by any stretch of the imagination. Your strength and passion have helped a lot of us here on the boards, and it's obvious to me that you continue to struggle and strive to live a better life. Hope never dies, and on those days when the storm clouds overwhelm you, remember that every storm must pass. (And we're always here to help you bail the water and hand you an umbrella).
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence