I remember such questionable feelings and responses too, my friend. I'm disappointed that no one else has jumped in a given you some encouraging words after about 10 days, but I know how that feels.

My perp was my babysitter when was 10 and I'm pretty sure he sensed that I was gay. He exploited my young curiosity and did not reciprocate. That did not teach me a single positive thing about myself. In fact, I spent the next 25 years trying to replace that sexual intensity, to no avail.

My perp used to ask me to pull up my shirt so our stomachs would touch, which is a memory that was blocked until I came here and started talking it out. He also used to say to me during the abuse, "I love you" and I would say it back.

Thank God I knew at that age that "I love you" was ridiculous, but I still carried that poisonous secret around with me because I thought it was my fault since my body was responding to what was being done to it, and I even went back for more. Even still I know that it was not my fault that my body responded. He did not reciprocate the pleasure, I was happy just to please him, and that just made it much, much worse.

He was lean and muscular and I was discovering that I was attracted to that for the first time. I found him appealing before anything happened, and the memory of that attraction gives me great peace because it tells me that I was gay before the abuse. He also told me that I couldn't tell anyone because I enjoyed to too, and I agreed.

Nevertheless, it robbed me of my right to the decision of when I was ready to experience sex. I think that is a BIG, BIG part of what pains us all. Someone else decided for us by "saying all the right things" to take advantage of our naive little bodies. We had sexual intensity happen to us, and not when we felt it was appropriate. We learned a very perverse, taudry and shameful version of sex at a very young age. We must not waste time blaming ourselves for experiencing pleasure, but realize that it was totally new and exciting, which is what us kids thrived on, but without knowing how it would affect the rest of our lives. Hopefully, we can understand it well enough to recognize when a new relationship is good for us, and when it is toxic.


Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.