“Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes, how do you measure, measure a year?” (Quote from the movie soundtrack Rent.)
As we embark on this journey to find healing and understanding of this pain and destruction we have been forced to feel. I reflect on the individuals who were selfish in wanting to satisfy there own needs and wants without thought or care to the effects it would cause. I find myself filled with many questions and feelings that for so long have been muted. One of these feelings is hate…
As I continue to read and seek out understanding I find that many people have felt and continue to feel many of the things that I relate to on deep levels within my soul. At this point within my recovery I feel it prudent to begin to deal with and understand these feelings I have of hate.
I believe that hate is a healthy response to have if used correctly. Hate can help us get far within our recovery process. It allows us and in many ways gives us the ability to deal with what we are feeling and going through. However if we are not careful this hate can consume us and prevent further healing by loosing perspective of the hate we feel.
For the longest time I HATED my brother. I did not want anything to do with him, for all I cared he could have died and if I never seen him again it would be too soon. I wished he would rot in hell for all eternity and that still would not give me justice for what he did. Just the thought of him made me sick. Hate, oh how I hated him.
Talking about this hate makes me shake inside; it reminds me how sick and corrupted I became because of my hate. This hate made me suffer for so long and only continued to poison me more. I can now see how I seriously lost perspective of the hate and allowed IT to abuse me more.
I believe in order to continue to be healthy we all must understand hate. We must ask ourselves questions to keep this hate in check. Questions like, what exactly do I hate? Hate must be understood. It can not be vague or meaningless; it is too powerful for that.
I remember when I first asked myself this question, my answer was everything. He’s a selfish asshole that deserves to be slowly lowered into a rotor tiller while being castrated at the same time. But as I really started to investigate this question I found that I did not know him well enough to hate in whole like that. Not to mention did I really hate everything? No. Did I hate that he wore a red shirt on Tuesday and blue one on Wednesday? Did I hate that he drank a glass of water or a Dr. Pepper? Did I hate that he watched the news at 10:00 or that he got his diaper changed when he was a baby? Of course not, to really keep my hate in perspective I had to realize that all I hated was the fact that he abused me. I do not hate him as a person, and really I don’t hate HIM at all. I hate abuse!!!
I truly believe that if we all were to ask ourselves this question honestly, we would all come up with the same realization which is, that we HATE that we were abused as children. I believe this HATE is healthy. I stand by this hate and hope to use that hate to stop other children from ever being hurt in that way.
I hope that others who are hell bent on hating individual people for mistakes that they made will realize that hating the person will not help them in anyway and will only bring on more hate. I hope that they will ask themselves questions like, what do I really hate? Should blacks forever hate white people? Should the Jews revenge by creating their own concentration camps? Should the Indians kill all white men and reclaim their land? Should a child have their hands chopped off for stealing bubble gum in the local 7-11? Etc. Hate is your feeling and you should do with it as you will. This is your recovery not mine and not anyone else’s. I know that some think that their hate does no damage but I promise it does. The only thing that comes from hate is more hate!!!
Mother of the kingdom of silence I have obeyed you long enough!!!