A couple nights ago I wasted several hours online surfing gay porn sites, I just kept clicking, came across some dubious sites as well.

I wasn't turned on, or excited, it was like I was zoned out, like a zombie on auto pilot, I was just clicking, looking for something but not finding it.

The next day I felt ashamed when I thought about it, uncomfortable. Wondered about the guys in the pictures, who took the pictures? who were they?
I don't know why, or what it is I'm looking for, since I just keep looking. I don't save the images, I don't evem remember most of them.
When I first discovered internet porn it was really exciting, and addictive, but then after awhile it kind of gets boring, but I still look. There seems to be an inverse relationship between my self-esteem and my interest in porn. When I'm down on myself I'm more interested in porn, when I'm feeling good, busy with work, spending time with friends, etc, then I don't spend time looking for porn.
Sometimes I'm turned on my straight porn, but I don't know if I'm identifying with the guy, or the girl in the image.
I think part of it is control issues, with porn I'm in control, I know, it's all fantasy. My abusers were the ones in controll when it was happening, so maybe it's my attempt to regain control?

Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel