I wasn't sure if I should post this here or, it the gay thread, but I am here. I have posted in other areas and stated that I have a sort of Dissociative thing going on w/ me.
Question: What do you do when one of your "parts" is gay?
1. I have a part that I call "Fabulous". Fabulous wants to die my hair w/ light blue streaks. Fabulous wants me to get my nipples pierced and a yin & yang tattoo w/ dolphins on it. Fabulous LOVES that thumping techno house music that gay clubs are famous for. Fabulous wants to go to gay clubs and do that bump and grind dancing up and down cute guys' bodies, to get them hot and then be taken home by them. Fabulous wants to explore w/ more than 1 man at a time. Fabulous is in full gear when I swim lap after lap in a speedo and do set after set of situps. Fabulous enjoys that my tall, swimmer's body is being oogled at in the sauna at the gym. Fabulous watches early, early a.m. advertisements for "Girls Gone Wild" and thinks the same sex party atmosphere looks amazing! Sometimes I feel like I am standing on the brake pedal trying to keep myself from crazy wildness. Fabulous dreams and dreams of being the 'bottom' in a sexual encounter w/ man, riding him and getting lost in waves of pleasure.
* In real life I have never been 'all the way' w/ a man.
** In real life I went to hear a band play at some bar last weekend and for the 1st time in my life, I ended up doing that very kind of bump and grind dancing w/ a woman who just grabbed my hand as I was walking towards the dance floor ... (Fabulous had a great time) and then she moved on to dance in a similar fashion w/ others.
2. In direct 180 degree contrast to Fabulous, I have a part of me which I call "Family Man". Family man wants a tall, beautiful wife w/ a smile that makes my heart skip a beat. Fabulous wants to go for walks w/ my beautiful wife, holding hands and talking about how our days went. Fabulous wants to be a father, and to do sippie-cups and safety seats. Family man wants to coach the little league team and help w/ homework and attend elementary school functions. Family man wants to take my beautiful wife out for fancy dinners and concerts all dressed up, so I can unzip her delicious, feminine body from a black silk dress at night's end. Family man used to feel so peaceful just helping by folding the laundry at my ex-girlfriend's house. I sure wasn't thinking about men when my ex-girlfriend and I were happy, and in bed.
3. Family man is afraid of Fabulous and Fabulous thinks Family man is a wuss. But I do so miss just playing catch outside w/ my ex-girlfriends son. I know that being a family man takes a lot of strength and courage ... i.e. to be there when a kid is sick and barfing at 3 a.m. or to deal w/ the tantrums and constant demands of children. Family man knows it is not wussy at all to keep a marriage together. Fabulous thinks that kind of life looks boring as hell, bc Fabulous knows things get mundane after a few years.
4. I am attractive to both women and men these days. Last week at the gym I found myself talking to an attractive man. Unlike my usual assessment of just a man's 'package' ... this time I was attracted to, a smile. And attracted to eye contact. And attracted to the idea of having dinner w/ this man to get to know him better. I found an excuse to bolt before Mr. Attractive could ask me out, or before I found my Fabulous self asking Him out, myself. Women smile at me all the time and want to introduce themselves and start up conversations. I know I am committed to healing and so I hold back in getting too engaged w/ women these days too. My women co-workers hail me as their poster boy of Metrosexuality bc I am kind, sensitive, dress reasonable well and can hum a song in Italian.
5. As I have read in others' threads here, I want my sexual decisions to be MY OWN decisions. I don't want to be defined by what the priest did to me. I have cried in my bathtub that if God made me gay that I am finally ready to learn to love and accept myself as a gay person. I worry that if I got in a real RELATIONSHIP w/ a man that I would hurt his feelings bc I would be looking over his shoulder at every pretty mother w/ a stroller. I have a hunch I am bisexual, but then again, I have no male friends, zero. This is either bc I don't feel safe from men. Or, I have wondered if it is bc I am trying to keep Fabulous reigned in. I am aware that Fabulous may be wanting to re-enact parts of my abuse. Or that Fabulous is just plain lonely and doesn't know how to connect other than through sex, or that Fabulous really doesn't want to learn to connect through any other way besides sex. Sexual connecting feels like reaching the apex of Life and the Universe itself to Fabulous.
6. I have looked at my journal entries from years back and it seems like every time I get close to talking about the rape of the priest and some fat man whose face I can't remember, that this orientation issue is discussed at length by me. I am determined to Move FORWARD this time. But I don't know how to get unstuck here.
Helpful comments, Please