I was abused for several years starting when I was about ten and well into my teens...this presents a host of problems, but what I want to get to is this: the year after my abuse stopped (I stopped it) I began watching gay pornography intermittently although I am not gay. It wasn't until several years later when I began therapy that a pattern of my use of the porn emerged: namely that I would run/turn to it when I was distressed, when I felt like I was being picked on or made fun of, when I felt out of control, or whenever I felt depressed in general. The thing about the porn is that it never made me feel better but somehow I was convinced that it "normalized" me sufficient that I might be able to return to my daily routines of going to work, school, etc. With my therapist I realized that the very act of looking for the porn, whether it be in a store or online, was enough to put me in a state of numbness that reminded me of what I felt during my abuse. My problem is this: the more therapy I go through, the more I break out of the shell of my old perceptions and ideas, the more confused I get as to why I ever watched the porn. Am I somehow gay and never realized it? Am I being too simplistic? I have a girlfriend now who I love very much and there is a big difference between the way I feel when we are intimate and the way the porn made me feel. Also, I have never been attracted to men like I have to women; I've never gotten "the butterflies" from a guy, but am I supposed to be gay? Even as I write this I can see how little sense my logic makes, my sometimes it just feels like I am supposed to be here to please other men...because I know what to do...because I can still remember...and even now if I get anxious or nervous, the thoughts of finding the porn still enter my mind and I fight it because I know it won't make me feel better in the end or solve anything. My doctor says there are many levels to my use of the porn, but I still thought it would be nice to hear from someone else. If I am gay then it makes me very upset to have to end things with my girlfriend.