Gosh, xenoman, I hate to sound like a broken record, but I think that therapy is a good place to work some of this out. You do get good advice here but there is nothing like a good therapist to help you sort some of this out. Have you ever been able to express yourself to someone in a theraputic setting about any of this? Posting here is good training ground to help you with that. I know that I've gone through much of my life thinking the thoughts and fantasies of my perpetrator, the f---ker really got into my head. I know what it takes to express yourself here, and I also know what it takes to express oneself in therapy; they both are good but the therapist is the one who can help us sort out those highly personal ways in which we incorporated what happened to us into our psyches. I have found as many different expressions of those hurting ways our perpetrators got to us as there are men here.
Never again think that you are alone, this site is a monument to the men who are surviving.
Courage and strength,
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."