Dear On Hold, Think we should form some sort of support group for those of us who are in that same struggle. I really think I'm gay, but I really think I'm in love with my wife. I didn't think that was supposed to be possible, but there you are. I had absolutely no gay thoughts (That I know of...I keep going back over my adolescence in search of gay moments, but can't find any.) until I went to college.
I hope this doesn't offend, but I remember my first gay night. I looked at "Playboys" and enjoyed the fold outs. There was this one redhead with unbelievable breasts that I will remember until the day I die. (She's probably in her seventies now, but I try not to think about what has happened to them.) I masturbated to those lovely ladies many times, being at my sexual peak so they tell me. Then, one night, instead of thinking about a girl, I thought about a cute boy. I don't know why I thought about a cute boy...I just did. The orgasm I had that night was about twice as intense as any I had ever had before. I couldn't believe it. I was bewildered...confused. But I could never go back to sexual fantasies about women again, even though I tried as hard as I could. I still try from time to time as some sort of test, I guess.
I had a couple of male crushes in college, but never took action on them. My roommate actually (I think.) had some sort of sex with another guy in our room one night. I'm not sure...it was dark and I didn't want to know. But, I had a couple of crushes on girls in college too.
when I was about your age, I told my wife that I thought I might have homosexual tendencies (That's what we called them in the dark ages.) and she didn't say much about it. Then about three years after that, I went to see a t because my tendencies were still active...more so, really. He said I was fine and we should have another baby.
And now here I am an old man...still with homosexual tendencies, still wondering which I am, still having only had one male sexual experience, which was more like abuse than an experience. I will probably go to my grave wondering if I'm gay and thinking that the grave digger with the blonde hair has a really cute little ass. I have about decided that I won't act on it, but oh how I long to experience gay sex just one time before I die...and not just wham, bam, thank-you, maam; but real tender, loving gay sex.
Now see, there you went and got me started again. sigh. I've said all this before here. I don't feel sorry for poor little ole me...just frustrated as hell and angry because I don't see what harm a little ole romp in the hay with a cute guy would do...just one time. I have no shame.
PS: I really do take this seriously and know what you're going through....really know. If you ever need to talk...I'm here. Bobby
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.