This is embarrasing as all hell and I do not mean to offend anyone so please dont read further. My abuse from the hands of my sister ended right as I was going thru puberty. I had the normal crushes and girlfriends at that age. At that time I thought that my abuse wasnt really abuse,(according to my sister thats what two people do when they love each other) keep in mind I knew in my heart it was wrong especially when I had to go to confession I almost told the priest numerous times but I was too afraid, I thought that I would have been taken away.Thats what my sister always told me would happen if I told anyone. So when I got a little older when I would think about staright/normal or dream about it somedays I would have dreams where my sister was involved but I would wake up instantly feeling sick and disgusted. So I came to think I was a sick and disgusting pervert, which led to a very bad spiral. I had explored with a male friend but that didnt seem right to me either probably about the age of twelve. As I got a little older I started fantasizing about animals which occupied my entire thoughts even through the age of twenty/twenty-one. I still thought I was some sick and disgusting perv, but i could not stop these thoughts.. Eventually I forced myself to think I was gay,which lasted through the rest of my twenties. Now once I hit my later twenties and thirties that didnt work either now I am filled with thoughts of women exclusively. Is it tied into the fact that I am finally dealing with my issues. I am so confused and I do not want to ever go back to the really dark places of my sexual history ever again.
Once again I am sorry for this but I think I am fixing my problem but I am very confused and I am vowing to be celibate for a very long time till I get this fixed in my head, I just want to know whats going on with me.